did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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