The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
