Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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