i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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