Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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