guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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