if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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