if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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