i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
