Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
