Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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