Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The struggles of a small town man whore
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
