she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
