i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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