You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
