My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
