So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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