I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
