The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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