Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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