Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
