New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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