Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
