I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Ladies don't puke and tell
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
