Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
