The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
