i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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