508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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