I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
