Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I deserve this hangover.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
