I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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