if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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