Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
