Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
