watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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