I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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