He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
