Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
