I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
