I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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