Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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