I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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