Already got asked if we're dating
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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