He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
