i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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