I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
