Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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