How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
