I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
