My room smells like vodka and shame
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
